Seek That

"There is a life-force within your soul.
Seek that life.
There is a gem in the mountain of your body.
Seek that mine.
O traveler, if you are in search of that,
don't look outside...
Look inside yourself and seek that."
Rumi

Awareness and Consciousness

Let's continue with covering a 'biggie' here: The difference between awareness and consciousness.

Once again, totally no intention to come in any way, shape, or form to a sort of final judgment on the subject. Only openly sharing my subjective experience, with as number one preferred impact, that it stimulates as many as possible others to also share their subjective experience.

And, what has really helped me in coming to at least something of a rational understanding of how awareness and consciousness might not be the same yet very closely connected, is by comparing awareness to 'looking' and consciousness to 'seeing'.

Awareness then could be understood as a bit more 'raw' as a sensation than consciousness and without necessarily needing an object to be directed at yet, like how you can be looking out for something without already be looking at something. Consciousness then perhaps is a bit more 'polished' as a sensation and necessarily directed at an object, even a specific object, namely the subject. With consciousness in these terms comes a knowing of looking going on, like seeing that there must be an entity doing the looking. In this sense consciousness could be described as awareness of a subject being aware. 

However, when texts or talks are abóut either awareness or consciousness, they are almost automatically about awareness óf awareness, or about awareness óf consciousness. This is where the use of language to me becomes VERY challenging. It easily ends up in fruitlessly discussing what comes first, awareness or consciousness, which to me is very similar to discussing whether the chicken or the egg comes first.

The only clarity I can imagine around this, is to see awareness as closer to the direct experience of the act of paying attention, and to see consciousness as closer to the knowing that there is a subject that is aware and paying attention. At least like this I can come to a little bit of grips with how the term consciousness is also often used as being the fabric of the universe, more or less like the space in which experience takes place, which supposedly is you as well as me, whether we are aware of it or not...

Feelings and Sensations

Okay. Now how about feelings versus sensations? As I used both terms in describing my view on the difference between feelings and emotions. Well, again only giving this just a try, by attempting to capture my own personal understanding into the confines of written language. Mostly for practical reasons. I genuinely hope that people understand what I aim to communicate, whether they agree with it or not.

What comes to my mind first when thinking of feelings versus sensations, is that feelings are a specific type of sensations. In that sense, sensations form a broader collection of phenomena than 'just' feelings. Experiencing visual sensations, sound sensations, smelling sensations or tasting sensations, would by probably nobody be described as having feelings. These sensations nevertheless might be strongly associated with feelings though, or trigger strong emotions.

Does this make any sense to you?

Feelings and Emotions

Speaking about language... I was asked whether or not I see a difference between feelings and emotions, and if so, precisely how. Well, I do see a difference, but let me say right here and now that I do not expect that many debates around this will be solved through any one piece of writing, including my own writing of today. I do however believe that it is very helpful and valuable for communication purposes to understand how different people see these things differently. So let me try and share my personal perspective through use of the written word, in spite of its apparent limitations.

One way of looking at my understanding of the difference between feelings and emotions, is that feelings can be seen as our individual experience of emotions. From this angle, emotions basically come before feelings. Before even the emotion though, there must be a cognition that consciously or unconsciously triggers it. Where an emotion then is a cluster of subjective sensations that are triggered by a cognition, feelings are the noticeable experience of one or more of these sensations. Feelings however can also be remembered and recalled, which in that case does not require a preceding emotion at that particular time any more.

Where emotions clearly have both cognitive and physiological elements, after all the whole goal of an emotion seems to be activating the body to allow a response to a perceived event in the organism's environment, this is less obvious for feelings. Furthermore, next to these feelings related to emotions, we of course often also talk about feelings in the strict sense of physical sensations, or when we mean intuitions. Therefore the feelings like we can have them for someone, the feelings we can have in or on our body because of for example high temperatures, and the feelings we can have about what the weather or so is going to do, usually mean three very different things, although none of these are generally considered to be emotions.

How does reading this make you feel? Did it trigger any emotions?

Perfect Imperfection

Should I actually be able to immediately sense every moment as being as fully perfect as it is? I believe not. I even believe that not all moments would be perfect for us when we would sense all of them as perfect. Not only because perfection wouldn't mean much to us when there was no contrast with perfection anywhere, but also because we wouldn't have any opportunities to perfectly notice ourselves noticing imperfection. Or would perfectly noticing ourselves noticing imperfection make it all perfect again? In retrospect? Or is there no way to ever get to the bottom of this when trying to describe it with language?

I was thinking about the limits of sharing experience with each-other by using words earlier today, when I read a piece of writing on the subject by author and teacher Jeff Foster, in which he introduced a Hafiz quote that resonated remarkably with me:

"If you think that the sun and the ocean
Can pass through that tiny opening
Called the mouth,
O, someone should start laughing!
Someone should start wildly laughing -
Now!"
Hafiz

Extraordinary Problems

Experiencing being able to visit a grandmother, experiencing being able to run an errand and experiencing being able to celebrate an aunt's birthday, for sure all felt good to me. Pretty extraordinary then to still have found a way to not immediately sense all of those moments as being as fully perfect as they were. My dear friend and enigmatically striking listener Krishna Prem, every now and then helps to remind me of this amazing skill of mine, when he responds to some of my occasionally vented worries by saying: "I like your problems!"

Experiencing Living

Happy to be in the company of a phenomenal writer and lecturer such as Joseph Campbell with also my personal observation that people indeed appear to be more strongly motivated in the direction of directly sensing their aliveness, than that people are motivated to come to a rational understanding of what life is all about. And perhaps directly sensing aliveness actually even is what life is all about?

It looks to me like generally speaking everybody wants to move in the direction of more life, and therefore more experience of living. Actions that we think will lead to more experience of living, usually feel good to us. Fulfilling our needs feels good to us. Being frustrated in meeting our needs, or being frustrated in achieving what we think we need, usually feels miserable to us. 

Our needs and desires can sometimes seem at odds with each-other though. Yesterday when visiting my grandmother, I really wanted to spend as much time as possible with my grandmother, yet I also wanted to still run an errand without ending up in a crazy hurry before attending an aunt's birthday party later. When I became aware of slowly building up some tension over this, because I wanted to avoid tension in my day, I couldn't help but laugh at myself.

Sensing Aliveness

"I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive."
Joseph Campbell

Sensationally Spectacular

And... even though thoughts and desires come and go as well as feelings and emotions come and go, what can be seen at least as permanent as breathing... is THAT there are thoughts and desires as well as feelings and emotions going on!!!

How sensationally spectacular would it be when then we turn out to be in the process of learning to greet all of our thoughts and desires as well as our feelings and emotions, just like all of our bodily activities such as breathing, as the miraculous signs of living that they most definitely all are?!

Permanent Impermanence

Similar to feelings and emotions that come and go like clouds in a windy sky, also thoughts and desires can be seen as coming and going in the bigger space of conscious awareness of being alive. Within that frame, only breathing seems permanent. Until of course also breathing goes. Which makes moments with conscious awareness of being alive and breathing extra special. All of them. Including now.

Something Bigger

Checking in with my breathing regularly throughout the day, to me personally really is like that anchor mentioned by Thich Nhat Hanh. It makes me feel connected to the sensation of presence. It makes me feel alive. That's how I believe it allows me to maintain a sense of balance more easily when feelings and emotions pop up. Within a moment with conscious awareness of being alive, feelings and emotions that manifest are much easier seen for what they are, namely something that appears within something bigger.

Breathing Space

For me, observing breathing is not as much a goal in itself, as it as a very helpful tool to remain aware of the present moment. Realizing THAT breathing is going on here and now, makes a moment dear to me. It has a pacifying effect on me to have access to such a direct sense of being. It calms me. Therefore noticing what happens with my breathing when an emotion comes up, is more beneficial to my ability to stay present with my feelings, than it might be distracting from them. More attention to breathing seems to give more space for breathing, which in turn seems to give more space for emotions. To remember to pay attention to breathing in the face of a powerful emotion, comes easiest to me when I check in with my breathing regularly anyway.

Asking the Question

By now, how many times have you asked yourself the question how to get yourself to remember to observe your breathing when a strong emotion arises?

Enhancing Openness

Just like the Vietnamese Buddhist monk and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh said, feelings come and go. Feelings never stay long. Unless we make them stay long. Usually by desperate attempts to avoid experiencing them, or by 're-doing' them over and over again. When on the other hand you open yourself up for feelings, when you are open to explore an emotion that is presenting itself, awareness of the emotion will increase, while the intensity of feelings decrease again. As if the whole point of that intensity was to get you to pay attention in the first place.

Observing your breathing can serve as an anchor to stay in that place. Observing how feelings and an emotion impact your breathing, is very helpful to remain calm enough to avoid reactiveness and in stead enhance openness. And an effective way to get yourself to remember to observe your breathing when a strong emotion arises, is to ask yourself the question how to get yourself to remember to observe your breathing when a strong emotion arises.

Coming and Going

"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor."
Thich Nhat Hanh

Getting to Remember

So, how do you get yourself to remember to observe your breathing, especially when a strong emotion presents itself?

Opening Up

Once an emotion is already arising, it is much easier said than done to nót restlessly go into any reactive mode, and instead open yourself up to the view that what you sense is a helpful reminder to go explore what deserves your attention and therefore energy to be focused on best. This is where the calming effect of observing your breathing can benefit you instantly. When you remember to do that naturally.

Helpful Stimuli

By all means, not directly a lot of fun in feeling afraid, angry, ashamed, heartbroken or plain stressed out of your mind. However, once you can open up to the point of view that these emotions are not the final outcome of anything to be endured, yet are more like helpful stimuli to alert you to move your attention, then your experience might transform.

Witness of Living

What comes up in you when reading about consciously observing the feeling of any random emotion as a witness of living, possibly being at least as joyful as 'just' feeling a positive feeling?

Signs of Living

Basically I stated that I strongly sense it is more 'awesome' to be consciously aware THAT we are living, than it is to live in any specific or special way. Earlier I stated that what appeals to me most about the practice of observing breathing, is to come to the realization THAT there is breathing going on. In its essence, this for me outweighs the excitement of any particular quality of it. Not disregarding the obvious fact of course that in general better breathing feels far superior to poorer breathing. And though I find it harder to notice, becoming aware THAT there is heart-activity, always impresses me more than peculiarities about it. In my mind this phenomenon truly applies to all bodily activities. Sensing THAT there are bodily activities is more stunning than any details about them. Sensing bodily activities is an astounding sign THAT we are living. Now, what if the same is applicable for emotions? THAT feeling an emotion, no matter which one, could be greeted as a welcome sign of living? How about THAT?

Actually Nothing

Yesterday and today I have felt busy with realizing intensely that to me the most profoundly miraculous is not in any specific story of how we are living, but in the conscious awareness THAT we are living. Quite something, or actually no-thing, to feel busy with!

Sensational Opportunities

As I was pondering what might have gone through the mind of the man who had lost his son in a motorcycle accident some years ago, and as I was at the same time reflecting upon my own words and thoughts about staying alert in traffic, I decided to continue my trip along what I considered the most calm road. No maximum speed of 130 km/h there, like at the spot where my friend had died, yet only 80 km/h. On the other hand not a divided highway, so no separation for traffic travelling in opposite directions, but an undivided highway. And yes... About halfway to where I was going as carefully as I could, all of a sudden a car from the opposite direction started overtaking another car, popping up on a with little doubt fatal head-on collision course with me in 'my' lane.

It all happened so quickly, that I didn't even have the time to steer clear to the roadside with under those circumstances very slippery grass and 'life-threatening' stationary trees. With at the end of the day the sun rather low behind me, the driver might not have seen me that easily, for exactly which possibility I always make sure to have the headlight of a motorcycle turned on. Even in that instant I remembered checking to have done so before leaving, which made me feel that the driver was somehow really not allowed to make the mistake he was apparently in the process of making. Now, it's a pretty bold belief to have that thought can directly influence the world outside of yourself, but most thankfully the driver acted as if he had read my mind and pulled his steering wheel so lightning fast to 'his' side of the road again, that we passed without so much as brushing each-other.

How sensational can an opportunity present itself to practice observing your breathing and becoming consciously aware (again) that you are (still) living? And how sensational does any moment need to present itself for you to consciously notice (again) that there ís (still) another moment to notice? Was arriving to spend the evening with my brother and his friends ten minutes later in that light spectacular enough for me? Or having the privilege of celebrating my brother's birthday the next day while attending our elementary school reunion together? Being confronted there with the obvious fact that not all of our classmates or classmates' siblings had lived through the past 30 years? In spite of not remembering to have chosen to be reminded like I was these last days, all the various moments in which I was reminded (again) of the fact that I was among the (still) living, felt like genuine blessings. And for that I feel grateful too.

Same Route

Wow, in the previous post I more or less only wanted to make the point that paying attention to breathing is something you can do anytime, anyplace, anywhere. Mentioning to also remain aware of your surroundings and especially traffic seemed like a good idea though. Minutes after writing that I got on a motorcycle to go attend a get-together my brother had organized in anticipation of his birthday today. Already after a few hundreds of meters, I became aware of just having passed a man on the street whose youngest son, a very good friend of my brother and myself, was killed in a motorcycle accident a couple of years earlier on the exact same route that I was about to travel. A penny for his thoughts, and feelings for that matter, when seeing me go past in that very same direction.

Remaining Aware

Of course a wonderful way to observe breathing is through meditation. Just sitting down and noticing your breaths, or noticing where your attention appears to want to go instead, while you keep aiming to notice your breaths. Similarly when you do yoga, you can notice your breathing, or notice what you are noticing while still aiming to notice your breathing. When running sometimes it's easier to keep your attention focused on your breathing, especially when you are running at a pace where keeping your breath regulated is becoming a challenge. I would highly advise though to at least every now and then also remain aware of the potential beauty of your surroundings. And especially remain aware of other traffic when you practice observing your breathing while being on the road somewhere.

Inhaling and Exhaling

What makes it so worthwhile to observe breathing? For me first and foremost, it is to come to the realization THAT there is breathing going on. Even before I set my mind to start observing it, there were breaths going in and there were breaths going out. All along my body had my lungs taking oxygen from the air coming in, had my bloodstream distribute it to all the cells that needed it, while simultaneously having my bloodstream distribute carbon dioxide from the cells back to the lungs and outside again with the air going out. It seems though that nothing of that entire process I could do consciously no matter how long or how often I tried, with the exception of inhaling and exhaling. And I rest pretty happy in the awareness that inhaling and exhaling is going on nonetheless, whether or not I am observing my breathing!

Extraordinarily Amazing

I loved using Jon Kabat-Zinn's quote for the first post of this blog yesterday, without adding anything. I believe it totally deserves the time of many conscious moments to reflect upon it. So wonderful and joyful to explore the perspective from which you are able to see your breathing as the extraordinarily amazing process that it actually really is. Perhaps I want to leave it at that again for now.

Breathing

"As long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than wrong with you."
Jon Kabat-Zinn